One day during a tour of East Asia, I spoke to more than three hundred top business executives and entrepreneurs in Singapore. After I finished my presentation and as the hall was clearing, a dignified gentleman came rushing toward me. He looked as successful and self-assured as the rest of the distinguished audience, so his first words on reaching me were surprising.
"Nick, help me," he pleaded.
As I came to learn, this accomplished man owned three banks, but he had humbly come to me for help because material wealth offered no protection from the anguish he was going through.
"I have a wonderful daughter who is fourteen, and for some horrible reason every time she looks in the mirror she says she feels ugly," he said. "It's breaking my heart that she can't see that she is truly beautiful. How can I make her see what I see?"
It's easy to understand the man's distress, since the most difficult thing for parents to endure is their children suffering. He was trying to help her get through this self-hatred, which was so important, because if we can't accept ourselves when we are young and healthy, how will we feel when we age and experience the medical problems that come with advancing years? And if we hate ourselves for some random reason, it's quite easy to wind up replacing it with hundreds of other arbitrary and equally invalid ones. Youthful insecurities can send you plunging in a downward spiral if you allow yourself to focus on your flaws instead of your strengths.
The Bible tells us that we are "fearfully and wonderfully made." Why, then, is it so difficult for us to love ourselves just as we are? Why do we so often become burdened with feelings that we are not beautiful enough, not tall enough, not thin enough, not good enough? I'm sure this Singapore father lavished his daughter with love and praise, trying to build her confidence and esteem. Our parents and loved ones can wear themselves out trying to build us up, yet it only takes one mean remark from a classmate or nasty comment from a boss or co-worker to undo their efforts.
We become vulnerable and fall into the victim's mentality when we base how we feel about ourselves on other people's opinions or compare ourselves with others. When you are unwilling to accept yourself, you are less willing to accept others, and that can lead to loneliness and isolation. One day I was speaking to a group of teens about how the desire to be popular often leads people to shun the less attractive or athletic kids in school. To make my point, I asked a straightforward question: "How many of you would like to be my friend?"
To my relief, most of the people in the room raised their hands.
But then I asked a question that threw them off: "So it doesn't matter how I look, right?"
I let it sink in for a few minutes. We'd just been talking about how kids spend so much time trying to fit in by wearing just the right clothes, having a cool haircut, and being not too heavy, not too thin, not too tan or too white.
"How can you want to be friends with a guy with no arms and no legs—the most different guy you'll probably ever meet—but then reject classmates because they don't have the right jeans, or a clear complexion, or a body suited for the fashion runway?"
When you judge yourself harshly or put intense pressure on yourself, you become judgmental of others. Loving and accepting yourself as God loves you opens the door to a much greater sense of peace and fulfillment.
The pressures that teens and young adults feel seem to be universal. I've been invited to address young people in both China and South Korea because of concerns about high levels of depression and suicide in those rapidly developing, hard-working nations.
I arrived in South Korea just as the 2010 Winter Olympic Games were getting under way in Vancouver. It was fun to see the national pride and enthusiasm of people everywhere in Seoul when Kim Yu-Na, South Korea's "queen" of figure skating, captured her country's first Olympic figure-skating gold medal. Interest was so high in her quest that during her final performance trade on the country's stock market fell to half its normal level.
I had been featured in a documentary that was seen widely throughout South Korea's large Christian population, which led to several invitations to speak. The explosion of faith there is amazing. My hosts at the Onnuri Church told me that South Korean Christians are passionate for missionary work. They predicted that within a decade or two South Korean missionaries would outnumber North American missionaries, which is remarkable given that South Korea is so much smaller.
As we drove into Seoul, I was struck by the number of churches. The capital city is said to have the three largest Christian churches in the world. Although just one hundred years ago Christians in South Korea were few, nearly a third of its 48 million people now call themselves Christians. One of the churches I spoke at, the Yoido Full Gospel Church, has more than 800,000 members who attend services at twenty-one churches.
Friends of mine visit South Korea just to tour the churches. The prayer meetings are incredible with out-loud praying and the ringing of bells to signal each new program. Yet even with this strong spiritual growth, the people have high levels of stress because of the strain of long hours at work. The pressure in the schools is also intense because of fierce competition to be the best. Many young people are stressed by the feeling that first place is the only worthy place. If they don't get the top position, they feel they've lost. I encourage them to know that failing an exam doesn't make them failures. We are all of value in God's eyes, and we should love ourselves as He loves us.
The kind of self-love and self-acceptance I'm advocating is not about loving yourself in a self-absorbed, conceited way. This form of self-love is self-less. You give more than you take. You offer without being asked. You share when you don't have much. You find happiness by making others smile. You love yourself because you are not all about yourself. You are happy with who you are because you make others happy to be around you.
But what if you just can't love yourself because no one else loves you? I'm afraid that is simply not possible. You see, you and I are God's children. Each of us can count on His unconditional love, His mercy, and His forgiveness. We should love ourselves, be understanding of our imperfections, and forgiving of our mistakes because God does all of that for us.
During a tour of South America I spoke at a drug rehabilitation center in Colombia. The addicts and former addicts in my audience had so little regard for their value as human beings that they'd nearly destroyed themselves with drugs. I told them that God loved them no matter how long they'd been addicted. Their faces lit up when I assured them, through an interpreter, that God loved them unconditionally. If God is willing to forgive our sins and love us like that, why can't we forgive and accept ourselves? Like the daughter of the Singapore banker, these Colombian drug users lost their way because, for whatever reasons, they devalued their lives. They felt they were unworthy of the best that life had to offer. I told them that we are all worthy of God's love. If He forgives us and loves us, we should forgive and love ourselves and then strive for the best life possible.
When Jesus was asked to name the most important commandments, he said the first was to love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, and the second was to love your neighbor as yourself. Loving yourself is not about being selfish, self-satisfied, or self-centered; it's about accepting your life as a gift to be nurtured and shared as a blessing to others.
Instead of dwelling on your imperfections, your failings, or your mistakes, focus on your blessings and the contribution you can make, whether it's a talent, knowledge, wisdom, creativity, hard work, or a nurturing soul. You don't have to live up to anyone else's expectations. You can define your own version of perfection.
SHINE FROM WITHIN
The psychiatrist and author Elisabeth Kübler-Ross said people are like stained-glass windows: "They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within." To live without limits and especially to survive the darkness of depression, drug addiction, alcoholism, or any major challenge, you must switch on that light within. You must believe in your own beauty and value as someone who can make a difference, someone who matters.
Finding your purpose is the first important step to living a life without limits. Maintaining hope for the future and faith in the possibilities even in difficult times will keep you moving toward that goal. But to be fulfilled, you must know in your heart that you are worthy of success and happiness. You must love yourself, just as God loves all who are faithful.
I have a friend who is so comfortable with himself, so at peace and enthused about developing his gifts, that he just seems to radiate good feelings. I love being with him. Everyone loves being with him. Why? Because he shines from within. He loves himself, but not in a "you're so vain" way; he accepts himself as blessed, even when events don't go his way, even though he struggles just like you and me.
I'm sure you know people who give off that same comfortable vibe, just as you probably know the opposite sort of person whose bitterness and self-loathing drive everyone away. If you don't accept yourself, it not only leads to self-destruction, it leads to isolation.
If you don't shine from within, it may be because you rely on others to validate you, to give you confidence, and to make you feel appreciated. But that is a sure road to disappointment because you must accept yourself first. The only important measure of your beauty and value as a person should be the one that comes from within.
I know, easy to say, tough to do. I've struggled with this too. As the child of Christian parents, I'd always been taught that Jesus loved me and that I was created perfectly according to His plan. Of course, all my parents' Bible teachings and all my family's efforts to lift me up came crashing down as soon as one snotty little kid ran up to me and screamed, "You're a freak!"
Life can be cruel. People can be thoughtless or just plain mean. So you must be able to look inside for strength, and when that inner strength fails, you can always look above, to God, the ultimate source of strength and love.
Self-acceptance and self-love are important but often misunderstood concepts these days. You should love yourself as a reflection of God's love and as someone put on this earth to make a unique contribution. Too many teens and adults settle for a more superficial meaning when they buy into the extremes of narcissism and self-indulgence. This is due, in no little part, to the cult of beauty and celebrity promoted on reality shows, movies, podcasts, and videos. When you watch those shows, it is easy to forget that life has a greater purpose than looking good, living in luxury, and hooking up. No wonder more celebrities are in rehab than in church. Too many of them worship the false gods of vanity, pride, and lust.
I can't imagine that any previous generation has been lied to as much as the present ones. We are continually bombarded with messages that we need to have a certain look, a certain car, and a certain lifestyle in order to be fulfilled, loved, appreciated, or considered successful. We've come to a dangerous point in our culture when being in a sexvideo is considered a path to fame, fortune, and fulfillment.
Don't you think this would be a better world if the paparazzi followed college graduates with advanced degrees, or missionaries bringing medicine and hope to the poor and needy, instead of stalking rehab dropouts with rap sheets and needle scars? But all is not lost. I've seen huge throngs of people, young and old, attend religious ceremonies and festivals of praise, seeking contentment by learning to love their neighbor. I've watched teens and adults spend their vacations building homes in Third World countries and serving the needy in impoverished areas of North America. Not everyone is obsessed with plastic surgery, liposuction, and Louis Vuitton bags.
When you get caught up in material goods and surface beauty, and when you let other people determine your value, you give up too much of yourself and risk letting your blessings go to waste. After watching my DVD, Kristy wrote to me: "You made me realize what's the point of having someone love you if you don't love yourself? I saw you over a year ago and again today. I realized I need to tell you what you have done for me. You have taught me to stand up for myself, love myself for who I am, and just live my life the way I want to live it . . . Oh by the way, now that I have changed the way I feel about myself, my boyfriend has noticed a big difference in me, and he is grateful to you. He was always scared for me, afraid I might do something stupid one day and kill myself. But now I have changed, and my life is so much happier!"
SELF-ACCEPTANCE
My message resonated with Kristy because I've been where she was. When I was seven years old, I went home after one particularly cruel day of rejection and disappointment and spent hours staring into my mirror. Most teens worry about pimples and keeping their hair under control. I had all of the usual challenges on top of the missing limbs.
I really am just a weird-looking bloke, I thought.
Grief overwhelmed me. I allowed myself to wallow in self-pity for a good five minutes. But then a voice from deep inside said, Okay, like your mum says, you're missing some bits and pieces, but you have some good features too.
I thought, Name one. I dare you. Just find one thing, and that will be enough.
I studied my reflected image a little longer and finally came up with something positive.
I have nice eyes. Girls have told me I have nice eyes. I have that if nothing else! And no one can change that about me. My eyes will never change, so I will always have beautiful eyes.
When you feel your spirits tumbling because you've been hurt or bullied or disparaged, go to the mirror and find one feature you love about yourself. It doesn't have to be a physical characteristic. It can be a talent, a trait, or something else that makes you feel good about yourself. Dwell on that special something for a while. Be grateful for it, and know that your beauty and value come from the unique person you were made to be.
Don't cop out and claim, "There is nothing special about me." We are so hard on ourselves, especially when we compare ourselves unfavorably to others. I see this especially when I talk to teenagers. So many of them struggle with feelings of inadequacy, or the sense that no one will ever love them.
That is why I make it a point to tell them, "I love you just as you are. You are beautiful to me."
Those are simple words from me, a strange-looking stranger. I offer them in most of my speaking engagements for schools and youth groups. My simple words always seem to strike a chord. In fact, the response is usually quite remarkable.
The typical reaction begins with a muffled whimper or a smothered sniffle. I'll look out to see a girl with her head down or a boy with his hands over his face. Then the powerful emotions will sweep through the room like a contagion. Tears will flow down young cheeks. Shoulders shake from stifled sobs. Girls huddle together. Boys leave the room to hide their faces.
The first few times this happened, I was taken aback. What's going on? Why are they responding so strongly?
My audience members themselves have answered those questions. After my speeches, young and old, they line up to hug me and share their feelings. Again, the response is overwhelming. Often they line up for hours.
Now, I'm a handsome enough bloke, but people don't stand in lines for hours to hug me because I'm so dashing. What really seems to be drawing them is that I unleash a pair of powerful forces that so many are lacking in their lives: unconditional love and self-acceptance.
Kristy's is just one of many e-mails and letters I receive and personal conversations I have with people young and old who've thought about taking their lives because they've lost their ability to love themselves. When you are hurt, you build walls to keep from being hurt again, but you can't build an interior wall around your heart. And if you will only love yourself as you are, for all your natural beauty inside and out, others will be drawn to you, and they will see your beauty too.
LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH TO LAUGH AT YOURSELF
Our friends and loved ones can tell us one hundred times a day that we are beautiful and we are loved and that the hard times will pass, but too often we shrug off the supportive words and hang on to the hurt. I did that for the longest time. My parents would spend weeks trying to undo the damage done by one or two kids who teased me on the playground. But finally when someone my own age reached out, I was transformed. When one girl in my class told me that I was "looking good," I walked on a cloud for a month.
Of course, a short time later, I woke up at thirteen years old with a pimple on my nose. It was not pretty. It was a huge, ripe tomato of a pimple.
"Look at this, it's crazy," I told my mum.
"Don't scratch it," my mum said.
What would I scratch it with? I wondered.
I went to school feeling like the ugliest dude on the planet. Every time I passed a classroom and saw my reflection in the windows, I wanted to run and hide. Other kids stared at it. I kept hoping it would go away, but two days later it was even bigger, the largest and reddest pimple in the universe. I began to think it would one day outweigh the rest of me.
The monstrous deformity would not go away! My humongous zit was still there eight months later. I felt like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Australian. Finally my mum took me to a dermatologist. I told him I wanted the pimple removed even if it took major surgery. He examined it with a huge magnifying glass—as if he couldn't see it—and said, "Hmmmm. It's not a pimple."
Whatever it is, I thought, let's just get rid of it, shall we?
"It's a swollen oil gland," he said. "I can cut it off or burn it off, but either way it will leave you with a scar bigger than this little red dot."
Little red dot?
"It's so big I can't see around it," I protested.
"Would you rather be scarred for life?" he asked.
The giant not-a-zit remained on my nose. I prayed and fretted about it for a while, but finally I realized that the bright red bulb on my nose was no more of a distraction than my lack of limbs. If people aren't willing to talk to me, that is their loss, I decided.
If I caught someone staring at it, I made a joke. I told them I was growing an extra nose to sell on the black market. When people saw that I could laugh at myself, they laughed with me and empathized. After all, who hasn't had a pimple? Even Brad Pitt has pimples.
Sometimes, through our own doing, we make little problems big by taking them way too seriously. Having a pimple is part of the deal. We are all perfectly imperfect human beings, some of us maybe more than others, but we all have our flaws and our shortcomings. It's important to not take every little wart or wrinkle too seriously because one day you will have something truly serious go wrong, and then what will you do? So stand prepared to laugh at life's little knocks on the heads and bumps on the nose.
Laughter has been shown to reduce stress by releasing endorphin hormones, the body's natural relaxant, boosting your immune system and improving your blood flow while also increasing oxygen to the brain. Not bad, eh? Studies have also shown that laughter makes you more attractive. A double bonus!
BEAUTY IS BLIND
Do you know what is really laughable? Vanity is hilarious, because just as soon as you think you are looking good and sexy and worthy of the cover of People magazine, along comes a life lesson to make you realize that beauty really is in the eyes of the beholder, and what is on the outside is not nearly as important as what is on the inside.
Recently I met a young Australian girl who is blind. We were doing a Fun Run to raise money to provide medical equipment for needy kids. This girl was about five years old. Her mum introduced her to me after the event. The mother explained to her that I'd been born with no arms and no legs.
Blind people sometimes ask to touch my body so they can comprehend what someone without limbs is like. I don't mind it, so when this girl asked her mother if she could "see" for herself, I gave permission. Her mum guided her hand over my shoulders and over my little left foot. The girl's reaction was interesting. She was very calm as she felt my empty shoulder sockets and my strange little foot. Then when she put her hands on my face, she screamed!
It was hilarious.
"What? My beautiful face scares you?" I asked, laughing.
"No! It's that hair all over you! Are you a wolf?"
She had never felt a beard before. When she touched my stubble, she freaked out. She told her mother that it was sad I was so hairy! This girl had her own idea of what was attractive, and obviously my beard was not on the list. I wasn't offended. I was glad to be reminded that beauty is definitely in the eyes—and touch—of the beholder.
CELEBRATE YOUR YOU-NIQUENESS
We humans are a silly bunch. We spend half our time trying to fit in with the crowd and the other half trying to stand out from it. Why is that? I'm guilty of it, and I'm sure you are too, because it seems to be universal, part of our human nature. Why can't we be comfortable with ourselves, knowing that we are God's creations, made to reflect His glory?
As a schoolboy, I was desperate to fit in, just as most teens are. Have you ever noticed that even the teens who want to be "different" usually hang out with kids who dress, talk, and act just like them? What's with that, mate? How can you be an outsider if everyone you hang with wears the same black clothing, black nail polish, black lipstick, and black eyeliner? Doesn't that make you an insider instead?
Tattoos and piercings used to be a rebellious statement of rugged inpidualism. Now soccer moms in the grocery have tattoos and piercings. There has to be a better way to celebrate your inpiduality than following the same fads and trends as every mum at the mall, doesn't there?
I've adopted an attitude that might work for you. I've decided that my beauty lies in my differences, in the fact that I'm not like everybody else. I'm uniquely me. Nobody will ever call me "average" or "just another guy." I may not stand tall in a crowd, but I definitely stand out.
That attitude has served me well because I often draw strange reactions from children as well as adults when they see me for the first time. Kids tend to reckon I'm from another planet or I'm some sort of monster. Teens tend to have lurid imaginations so they assume I was maimed by an ax murderer or something equally gruesome. Adults leap to strange conclusions too. Often they suspect that I'm a mannequin or a Muppet.
Once when I was visiting relatives in Canada, they took me trick-or-treating for the very first time. They found a big scary old man mask that covered my entire body, and then they carried me door to door. At first we didn't get much reaction from people, until we figured out that they didn't think I was real. We finally realized this when a woman dropped some of my favorite lollies in my bag, and I said, "Thank you! Trick or treat!"
The woman shrieked and jumped backward. "There's a child in there?" she screamed. "I thought you were carrying a doll!"
Well, I am pretty cute, I thought.
When I'm feeling frisky, I've been known to take full advantage of my uniqueness. I love to cruise around shopping malls with my cousins and friends. One day a few years ago we were in a mall in Australia when we spotted a window display for Bonds underwear, which is the Down Under version of Haines or Jockey, a briefs brand that has been around for a long, long time.
The male mannequin was wearing a pair of Bonds "tighty whitey" underwear. He had a body just like mine: all head and torso, no limbs—and a nice six-pack of abs. I happened to be wearing my own Bond brand drawers, so my cousins and I decided that I too could serve as a window model. We went into the store. My cousins hoisted me into the window display case. I then took up a position next to the mannequin.
For the next five minutes, I baited mall rats. Whenever window shoppers stopped or glanced at me, I twitched, smiled, winked, or bowed—to their utter shock and horror! Of course, this bit of punking provoked uproarious laughter from my co-conspirators watching from outside the store. Afterward they made the case that if my public speaking career ever faltered, I could always find work as a department store dummy.
LIGHT IT UP
I've learned to laugh about my disabilities and the strange responses they provoke, but there is an even better method for overcoming doubts about your self-worth or your inability to love yourself as you are. Instead of dwelling on that pain within, reach out to ease someone else's pain. Put your focus on someone else in need.
Volunteer at a soup kitchen. Raise money for orphans. Organize a benefit to help earthquake victims. Find sponsors who'll donate money if you take part in a charity walk, or bike ride, or dance marathon. Rise up and reach out.
When I do that, I discover what is perhaps the best solution for anyone who has failed to turn on the light of love within.
If you can't resolve your own issues, be the solution for someone else. After all, it's better to give than to receive, right? If you don't love yourself, then give yourself away. If you do that, you'll be amazed at how valuable you feel.
How do I know that? C'mon, mate, look at me. Look at my life. Do I seem like a happy and fulfilled person to you?
A nose job won't bring you a life of joy. A Ferrari won't make you admired by millions. You already have what it takes to be loved and valued; it's just a matter of releasing and maximizing all that lies within you. You won't always be perfect, and that's perfectly fine. The idea isn't to attain perfection in your lifetime; it's to seek it.
You want to keep striving, keep growing, keep giving all you have to give so that, in the end, you can look back and say, I gave it my best shot.
Take a look in the mirror right now and say, "This is who I am, and I accept the challenge of becoming the best I can be." You are beautiful because God created you for His purpose. Your challenge is to find that purpose, fuel it with hope, drive it on faith, and put your you-niqueness to the highest possible use.
Loving and accepting yourself is the only surefire cure for self-pity and victimhood. Drugs, alcohol, and promiscuity offer only temporary relief, and eventually they bring only more pain. When I came to see myself as a child of God and a part of His plan, my life was forever changed. You may not be a believer in Christ, but you can believe in your value and purpose on this planet.
BE A FRIEND AND BE HAPPY
My best advice for finding inner happiness is to reach outside yourself, to use your talents and brains and personality to make life better for someone else. I've been on the receiving end of that, and I'm not exaggerating when I tell you that it changed my life.
I was sixteen and a student at Runcorn State High School in Queensland. I usually had to wait an hour or so after school for my ride home. Most days I'd hang out talking to other kids or to a great guy named Mr. Arnold. He wasn't the principal or even a teacher. He was the school janitor. But Mr. Arnold was one of those people who glowed from within. He was so at peace with himself, so comfortable in his coveralls, that everyone respected him and enjoyed being around him.
Mr. Arnold could talk about any subject. He was spiritual and wise. On some days he led a Christian youth discussion at lunchtime. He invited me to join, even though I told him I wasn't big into religion. But I liked him, and so I began attending their sessions.
Mr. Arnold encouraged kids to talk about their lives at these meetings, but I always turned down his invitations. "Come on, Nick, we'd like to hear your story," he'd say. "We want to know more about you and what you're thinking."
For three months I refused. "I don't have a story to tell," I'd say.
Finally Mr. Arnold wore me down. The other kids were very open about their feelings and their experiences, so I finally consented to talk about my own at the next meeting. I was so nervous, I prepared note cards with bullet points. (Nerdy, I know.)
I wasn't expecting to impress anyone. I just wanted to get through it and get out of there, or so I told myself. A part of me also wanted to show the other kids that I had the same feelings, hurts, and fears that they'd expressed.
For ten minutes that day I talked about what it was like to grow up without arms and legs. I told sad stories and funny stories too. I didn't want to seem like a victim, so I talked about my victories. Since this was a Christian group, I did say that there had been times when I felt God had forgotten me, or that I'd been one of His rare mistakes. Then I explained how I'd gradually come to understand that maybe there was a plan for me that I just hadn't figured out yet.
"I'm slowly learning to have more faith that I wasn't a mistake," I said, trying to get a laugh.
In truth, I was so relieved to get through my talk that I felt like crying. To my amazement, most of the kids in the room were crying instead.
"Was I that bad?" I asked Mr. Arnold.
"No, Nick," he said. "You were that good."
At first I thought he was just being nice and the kids in the group were pretending to be moved by my speech. They were Christians, after all. They were supposed to be nice.
But then one of the guys in the group invited me to speak to his church youth group. Then another invitation came from another kid for his Sunday school class. Over the next two years, I received dozens of invitations to share my story to church groups, youth organizations, and service clubs.
I had avoided Christian groups in high school because I didn't want to be labeled as the do-gooder preacher's kid who was all about religion. I acted tough and sometimes cursed so I could be accepted as a regular guy. The truth was that I had not yet accepted myself.
Obviously, God has a sense of humor. He wrangled me into speaking to just the group I had avoided, and it was there that He revealed my purpose in life. He showed me that even if I was not perfect, I had riches to share, blessings to lighten the burdens of others.
The same holds true for you. We share our imperfection. We need to share the beautiful gifts we've been given. Look inside. There is a light inside you just waiting to shine.